excerpts from a journal, Tokyo Japan, August 2012.

"FIrst entry. Studying in Japan, and the challenges of living now, in Tokyo Japan.

This month, and year has been challenging. As the time passes, my doubts, obstacles and challenges increase. Living in one of the most crowded cities in the world is certainly tiring at times.

I've been practicing a form of QiGong: EnBouZen Kikou, under the guidance of a brilliant and affectionate teacher. I see him once a month and have some short moments, each month or so, to seek his advice and have him check my technique. Since he is also a practitioner of traditional medicine he helps me with some remedies for unblocking certain channels, for my overall wellbeing.

Since I am prone to hold tension in my body, despite my efforts, the tension continues to reside and at times increases so much so that I find it hard to function normally, peacefully.

Regretfully, my mood is sometimes affected by the tension and stress that is held. Also, in Japan now, it is very hot and extremely humid. At times I feel I am at my wits end. I try to be kind, to ignore the pains, the frustration, the stress, the oppressive humidity and heat...

. . .

I should always try to set my mind at zero. This is the way. Whatever I do should be motivated by that intention. To arrive and depart, and not stay too long away from emptiness, from zero."

End of Entry

I'd like to include a quote from Alan Watts' "The Wisdom of Insecurity", which quite accurately describes that which I lack the ability to describe presently.

Quote:  "the "self" of which we are conscious is always some particular feeling or sensation--of muscular tensions, of warmth or cold, of pain or irritation, of breath or of pulsing blood. There is never a sensation of what senses sensations, just as there is no meaning or possibility in the notion of smelling one's nose or kissing one's own lips."

"As soon as it becomes clear that "I" cannot possibly escape from the reality of the present, since "I" is nothing other than what I know now, this inner turmoil must stop. No possibility remains but to be aware of pain, fear, boredom, or grief in the same complete way that one is aware of pleasure. The human organism has the most wonderful powers of adaptation to both physical and psychological pain. But these can only come into full play when the pain is not being constantly restimulated by this inner effort to get away from it, to separate the "I" from the feeling. The effort creates a state of tension in which the pain thrives. But when the tension ceases, mind and body begin to absorb the pain""So long as there is the motive to become something, so long as the mind believes in the possibility of escape from what it is at this moment, there can be no freedom. Virtue will be pursued for exactly the same reason as vice, and good and evil will alternate as the opposite poles of a single circle."
"On the other hand, when I do not try to get away I discover that there is nothing "stuck" or fixed about the reality of the moment. When I am aware of this feeling without naming it, without calling it "fear," "bad," "negative," etc., it changes instantly into something else, and life moves freely ahead.Love is the organizing and unifying principle which makes the world a universe and the disintegrated mass a community. It is the very essence and character of mind, and becomes manifest in action when the mind is whole."

"The timid mind shuts this window with a bang, and is silent and thoughtless about what it does not know in order to chatter the more about what it thinks it knows. It fills up the uncharted spaces with mere repetition of what has already been explored. But the open mind knows that the most minutely explored territories have not really been known at all, but only marked and measured a thousand times over. And the fascinating mystery of what it is that we mark and measure must in the end "tease us out of thought" until the mind forgets to circle and to pursue its own processes, and becomes aware that to be at this moment is pure miracle."

to know somthing is always nurturing you

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." ~ Fred Rogers

I may have been a troubled teen, and to be honest I am in some ways, still troubled. however my "troubled years" may not have been so troubled after all. when I look back, from one point of view, that of a wide perspective, I can see myself as normal and happy. I know that deep withing me there was a sense that I was on the right track. I was simply being myself and I believed in myself, by myself.
however as I aged into my teen years I began to be aware of suffering. I suffered because I was not allowed to be honest and straightforward in simply being myself. I was taught that I should be different and forced to believe that my natural impulses were wrong.

I may not have had the collected knowledge of an adult. but as a child, before I became aware of suffering, I lived by the force of some untouchable secret. the creativity and freedom of perception that most children, if not all, are born with and which is of great value.

it is the weight of expectations, the installation of societies' fears into our childs' mind and heart which diminishes the inherent free human spirit. that which causes long lasting confusion, and in some cases inhibits a natural tenacity for living. maybe if I had been encouraged, more often than I was criticized I wouldn't now be so prone to suffer from my own conditioned self criticism, the habitual sense that I will fail or do something wrong. I suffer because of scars on my past, and from times of emotional trauma which hardened my mind and installed fear deep within my heart.

set me free. myself, set myself free. world and wide blue sky, take me as a cloud, and release me into space. when i forget who I am, who I once was, i may be able to bring my inner child to life and face the world with less fear and self doubt. I long to release my mind and face the emptiness that always supports and nurtures life.
this great home, the platform of all things, is perpetual becoming, a spring of creation. from emptiness. therefore, all life is equally created and supported by the truth. that is the support which I long to realize. the place where I wish to loose myself and let go of all this suffering and confusion.

daily activity

"Forms of action are very important in Zen practice, but not when used as a technique. If you use them as a technique, sooner or later you will become fed up with repeating the same forms day after day. In each form, walking, chanting, eating, gassho - you must find peace and harmony."
- Dainin Katagari, from"Returning to Silence"

day after day, we are compelled to take action, in order to live. our actions, and our state of mind, is the expression of our lives. each step we take, is our life, just as it is. to step with a full presence of mind, gently, calmly guiding our bodies through our actions, with a keen sense of what it is we are doing. we should let go of thinking "I am doing this wrong" or "I am doing". we should simple do what we must.

we may try to break ourselves out of our careless or inattentive states by sitting in zazen, or practicing yoga, or just stopping what we are doing and breathing deeply, whatever it may be, whatever we do to "come back to ourselves" we should not think "I am coming back, I should be attentive". we should just notice our inattentiveness and just keep going, or sit in zazen, but without thinking we are doing anything different.

our actions are already the actions of Buddha, we are always within the realm of Buddha Dharma. we are never disconnected from it. so if we are attentive or not, when we focus ourselves more attentively we should just be attentive. our attentiveness will operate and we will feel calm. we do not need to think we have started to meditate, or accomplished anything. just feel the attentiveness and continue as naturally as you can. again and again. we should not think, "i have achieved mindfulness." if we think this way, most likely our actions will become like techniques to "achieve" something. in our striving to achieve, day after day, we may become fed up with our daily practice.

we should find a way, to let our thoughts go as they go, and just be more attentive.
surely, if we strive less, and just practice and accept whatever state we are in, our mindfulness will become more smooth and seamless.

new mind, old mind

as I sit upright, belly open and relaxed, accepting each breath, each thought, sensation. my mind is refreshed in each moment of attention. as my body takes the form of acceptance, I begin to feel more alive, yet unlike myself. an old mind, it's decaying defenses, give way to something primordial. something beyond what I can see and feel is unearthed, and I so wish to keep digging.

as a relatively young meditator (young in experience, not in age) I find one of the biggest challenges in my practice, my life, is maintaining a freshness, a keen, energetic, and open mind while I am busy in the world of action. quite often I feel drowsy, lethargic, tense. this is most likely a defensive reaction to the world around me. I am a very shy person. I can sense that my reaction is my conditioning, a relic from my younger years.

as I sit on the train, I take an upright posture, and make a zendo.
the world outside distracts my eye, my mind, my body. I return to my breath again and again. at times, the firm, soft support of my spine gives way and bends slightly under the weight of my ego. I drift back and forth between unity and separation, new and old, judgement and acceptance, such are the tides of my mind.

no one to harm, emptiness in form

"if you can empty your boat, while crossing the river of the world, no one will oppose you and no one will seek to harm you." - Jack Kornfield.

in life, someone may seek to harm you, and many will oppose you.
the intention of the phrase, quoted above, is not to say that after reaching some state of liberation people will no longer oppose you, or seek to harm you. the reason for saying such a phrase is not to teach you something, but rather to ignite a vision from within, a realization. the author or speaker is fully aware that people will oppose and harm us, his point is not to deny this fact.

the central subject of this phrase is the ego, or self, I, me, you.
and the intended affect is to enable us to look within, to let go of unnecessary clinging to our ego, to the "I" to which we are attached. in recognizing that we have an ego, when we go further into analysis of our identity, we see our selves in relation to the world and other people. we see "who we think we are." if we are honest in our enquiry we can see that the "I" is a conglomerate of images, thoughts, wishes, impressions, craving, desire, etc... and even perhaps an emulation of an ideal self, who we want to become is included there as well. when we boil all these down we can say that generally the ego is not much more then a thought, an impression, an illusion, a memory, a wish.

what happens, when one realizes, that the self is only a thought?
well, we are given a choice, do we feed our thoughts more thoughts, or do we set out to find what and who we really are. What is beyond our thoughts. 

when we no longer hold onto thoughts, there can be no thought that can harm us. we may feel pain or become ill, but the less we associate with our thoughts, the less we will suffer in life.
how do I find myself?
what does it mean to let go?
what is true?
how mush do I cause my own suffering?
am I truly happy?
who am I?
...there starts the path. we develop our way-seeking mind.

...who am I?

 thinking is a natural process, since not long after after our birth we have been thinking, so it is only natural that we should think. we should not stop thinking, the point of a spiritual journey is not to stop thinking. we should utilize our thoughts, as part of our human senses. a thought may arise from within, just as a cloud may suddenly take form in the sky before our eyes. when we see the cloud we can not will it to take form, nor can we force it to disappear. clouds follow the cycle of creation and death according to nature.
it is the same with thoughts. when one watches the inner seasons, suddenly there may be a thought arising, we should not try to suppress it or alter it, neither should we be bothered by its arising. we should notice it, acknowledge what the thought is, and allow it to pass naturally. moment to moment we should try to let things happen and simply notice how things take place within.
that is how we learn to let go. just as the cloud takes form and disintegrates without leaving a mark on the clear sky. while the cloud is in view, the sky is still present behind the cloud. in meditation, our mind, our nature is like the sky, clear and limitless. we train ourselves to through meditation to acknowledge the clarity of mind beyond the forms of thought.
thoughts may came and go but we do not forsake our mind to become the thought, just as the sky does not become the cloud. the thought is part of you, and has a place within but we should not identify the thought as our self. just as we do not call the cloud the sky.

...how do I let go?

as an athlete conditions their body to move to their will through practice and repetition, so does a spiritual athlete condition their mind. what one does in meditation is align the mind and body as one whole being, by following the breath, safely and peacefully in silence. when we follow our breath we are acknowledging our universal nature, and we begin to calm our thinking mind and let go into the unknown. in the focused concentration of an athlete, a thought will disturb the precision of action. over time, the athlete learns to identify with their body and mind in stillness, in silence, and that is the source of their power.

many people through history have taught the path of liberation from suffering and non attachment to self. by practicing meditation or mindfulness we develop the ability to see the mental habits which cause us so much suffering and confusion. we become the guard of the temple (mind), and oversee who or what enters through the doors (senses). we may see that for years we have allowed many enemies to enter, and that the temple may already be overrun by foes who have been terrorizing the residents.

after years of training in meditation we develop the strength of integrity and reclaim ownership of the temple ground. enemies may enter, but they will not reside.

when we calm the mind and align our body and mind, allowing things to be just as they are, senses in harmony with sense objects, we are truly ourselves, we let go of our thoughts, and we are able to live beyond harm, beyond thought. there is no One to harm.