to know somthing is always nurturing you

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." ~ Fred Rogers

I may have been a troubled teen, and to be honest I am in some ways, still troubled. however my "troubled years" may not have been so troubled after all. when I look back, from one point of view, that of a wide perspective, I can see myself as normal and happy. I know that deep withing me there was a sense that I was on the right track. I was simply being myself and I believed in myself, by myself.
however as I aged into my teen years I began to be aware of suffering. I suffered because I was not allowed to be honest and straightforward in simply being myself. I was taught that I should be different and forced to believe that my natural impulses were wrong.

I may not have had the collected knowledge of an adult. but as a child, before I became aware of suffering, I lived by the force of some untouchable secret. the creativity and freedom of perception that most children, if not all, are born with and which is of great value.

it is the weight of expectations, the installation of societies' fears into our childs' mind and heart which diminishes the inherent free human spirit. that which causes long lasting confusion, and in some cases inhibits a natural tenacity for living. maybe if I had been encouraged, more often than I was criticized I wouldn't now be so prone to suffer from my own conditioned self criticism, the habitual sense that I will fail or do something wrong. I suffer because of scars on my past, and from times of emotional trauma which hardened my mind and installed fear deep within my heart.

set me free. myself, set myself free. world and wide blue sky, take me as a cloud, and release me into space. when i forget who I am, who I once was, i may be able to bring my inner child to life and face the world with less fear and self doubt. I long to release my mind and face the emptiness that always supports and nurtures life.
this great home, the platform of all things, is perpetual becoming, a spring of creation. from emptiness. therefore, all life is equally created and supported by the truth. that is the support which I long to realize. the place where I wish to loose myself and let go of all this suffering and confusion.

daily activity

"Forms of action are very important in Zen practice, but not when used as a technique. If you use them as a technique, sooner or later you will become fed up with repeating the same forms day after day. In each form, walking, chanting, eating, gassho - you must find peace and harmony."
- Dainin Katagari, from"Returning to Silence"

day after day, we are compelled to take action, in order to live. our actions, and our state of mind, is the expression of our lives. each step we take, is our life, just as it is. to step with a full presence of mind, gently, calmly guiding our bodies through our actions, with a keen sense of what it is we are doing. we should let go of thinking "I am doing this wrong" or "I am doing". we should simple do what we must.

we may try to break ourselves out of our careless or inattentive states by sitting in zazen, or practicing yoga, or just stopping what we are doing and breathing deeply, whatever it may be, whatever we do to "come back to ourselves" we should not think "I am coming back, I should be attentive". we should just notice our inattentiveness and just keep going, or sit in zazen, but without thinking we are doing anything different.

our actions are already the actions of Buddha, we are always within the realm of Buddha Dharma. we are never disconnected from it. so if we are attentive or not, when we focus ourselves more attentively we should just be attentive. our attentiveness will operate and we will feel calm. we do not need to think we have started to meditate, or accomplished anything. just feel the attentiveness and continue as naturally as you can. again and again. we should not think, "i have achieved mindfulness." if we think this way, most likely our actions will become like techniques to "achieve" something. in our striving to achieve, day after day, we may become fed up with our daily practice.

we should find a way, to let our thoughts go as they go, and just be more attentive.
surely, if we strive less, and just practice and accept whatever state we are in, our mindfulness will become more smooth and seamless.

learning and practicing ChiKung

sometime last year I started to learn ChiKung. at first I had learnt some techniques from Akiko. she teaches ChiKung ("Kikou" as it is pronounced in Japan) a few times a week. the style is called Enbouzen. which is roughly translated as, round stick Zen . in her school, they use different sized bo's which symbolize levels of the practice. it helps to keep the hands together and level during certain exercises as well as having the benefits of having good ki (energy) properties of wood.
Enbouzen Exercises:
1. a central practice of enbouzen would be the "standing Zen" practice, where the student simply stands upright, knees slightly bent, tail-bone tucked in, shoulders and waist relaxed, while holding the bo out in front of the mid torso. Akiko tells me that they sometimes stand this way for one hour. (I am yet to practice at such lengths) the practice can also be modified by holding the bo directly above one's head, having the arms extended straight.
                                                      2. to help with tightness in my hips, middle back, and shoulders, it was recommended by Akiko's Sensei that I should practice holding the bo in both hands, making circles with the bo starting near my chest, extending the bo upward and outward away from my torso, circling down as the extension of my arms reaches mid way, circling down and back towards the torso and back up to finish the circle. this should be done again and again. another movement that is added to the exercise is bending and straightening my legs following the upward and downward movement of the circle I am making with the bo. the movement should be graceful, hips should be relaxed as much as possible, and the knees should not bend beyond the tip of the toes.
                                                      3. to help release tightness in my shoulders and neck, Akiko taught me another exercise. making ovals with the bo above my head. the oval is long and no wider than the width of my head. extending the arms up as far as possible straight above my head, and back down, over and over, continuously. Akiko has told me they sometimes make at least 300 repetitive ovals daily. I can manage to do around thirty before my arms become weak.
these are the main exercises I have learnt from Akiko so far. I have also supplemented these exercises with a flexibility training which I learnt from a teacher called Binkun Hu. I bought his dvd which is called "Creating Flexibility Through QiGong." the exercises have been very helpful. since starting to practice kikou, I am now starting to feel more movement in my body as i practice. certain muscles are slightly softer than they were before. I hope to learn more from Akiko and her Sensei, and deepen the relaxation and flexibility which can result from the practice.

morning gatha

wake up!
don't wait!
I feel the morning
supporting my becoming. (even though I ache)
I feel my breath
I bow to dear friends
I embrace my sorrow
and realize the way.
I remember to take care, sleep well, and start again.
one day my life will end.
as I sit, being myself, seeing myself, I let go.
how wonderful.

new mind, old mind

as I sit upright, belly open and relaxed, accepting each breath, each thought, sensation. my mind is refreshed in each moment of attention. as my body takes the form of acceptance, I begin to feel more alive, yet unlike myself. an old mind, it's decaying defenses, give way to something primordial. something beyond what I can see and feel is unearthed, and I so wish to keep digging.

as a relatively young meditator (young in experience, not in age) I find one of the biggest challenges in my practice, my life, is maintaining a freshness, a keen, energetic, and open mind while I am busy in the world of action. quite often I feel drowsy, lethargic, tense. this is most likely a defensive reaction to the world around me. I am a very shy person. I can sense that my reaction is my conditioning, a relic from my younger years.

as I sit on the train, I take an upright posture, and make a zendo.
the world outside distracts my eye, my mind, my body. I return to my breath again and again. at times, the firm, soft support of my spine gives way and bends slightly under the weight of my ego. I drift back and forth between unity and separation, new and old, judgement and acceptance, such are the tides of my mind.

open way zen, sangha

I just arrived home after my first visit and sitting with the Open Way Zen group in Kelvin Grove, Brisbane. the sitting and lecture was supervised by Peter Genjo Bruza (on the right, on the left is Master Hogen-san the founder of OWZ who I am yet to meet). it was the first time I have met with a sangha since the fall 2009 sesshin, with the Adelaide Zen Group. it was nice to listen to the lecture and to feel the collective intention to practice zazen, meditation.
 Peter gave a talk based around an excerpt from a poem by Rumi, a Sufi poet, giving his own commentary and advice not to translate the words in a literary sense but rather to understand it from our own direct experience. I was touched by the content and found I could relate to the commentary given.
 in short the essence of the teaching was, to have an open awareness that is direct. to be focused in an open, multi directional sense. not to focus too hard with great intentions of achieving a goal or an end and thereby closing of the senses to all that is.  to find a balance between an open awareness and direct experience. to be sharply attuned to all that is happening inside and out. Peter also touched on the idea of necessary illusion against the backdrop of perfect reality. the two are part of reality, yet, we go back and forth between the two. to have our senses closed is to not be in tune with what is, but yet it is necessary to experience this illusion in order to live in and be aware of perfect reality. also we can not only be open for we may fall out of balance with directness, with awareness. we cannot not be too focused because we will lose touch with perfect reality. we cannot keep our senses closed, nor can we be completely open all of the time. we need to find the point where the two meet and realize that the two are one, and the one is also two. and more importantly to just simply be aware of how we are constantly in flux between the two.

 I sit, on average, at least 5 times a week at home, and I practice yoga (my own version, for stiff old joints) at least once a day. it is good to practice alone to find your seat, the best way of sitting for your body type. i must say however, that there is nothing that can compare to sitting in zazen with a sangha before recieving the advice and teaching of an elder practitioner or teacher. often the lecture has one or more points which resound in and penetrate the heart. I cant help but feel a deep appreciation for my elders, for those more experienced and wiser than I am.

 I will go back to meet and sit with the Open Way Zen group.