excerpts from a journal, Tokyo Japan, August 2012.

"FIrst entry. Studying in Japan, and the challenges of living now, in Tokyo Japan.

This month, and year has been challenging. As the time passes, my doubts, obstacles and challenges increase. Living in one of the most crowded cities in the world is certainly tiring at times.

I've been practicing a form of QiGong: EnBouZen Kikou, under the guidance of a brilliant and affectionate teacher. I see him once a month and have some short moments, each month or so, to seek his advice and have him check my technique. Since he is also a practitioner of traditional medicine he helps me with some remedies for unblocking certain channels, for my overall wellbeing.

Since I am prone to hold tension in my body, despite my efforts, the tension continues to reside and at times increases so much so that I find it hard to function normally, peacefully.

Regretfully, my mood is sometimes affected by the tension and stress that is held. Also, in Japan now, it is very hot and extremely humid. At times I feel I am at my wits end. I try to be kind, to ignore the pains, the frustration, the stress, the oppressive humidity and heat...

. . .

I should always try to set my mind at zero. This is the way. Whatever I do should be motivated by that intention. To arrive and depart, and not stay too long away from emptiness, from zero."

End of Entry

I'd like to include a quote from Alan Watts' "The Wisdom of Insecurity", which quite accurately describes that which I lack the ability to describe presently.

Quote:  "the "self" of which we are conscious is always some particular feeling or sensation--of muscular tensions, of warmth or cold, of pain or irritation, of breath or of pulsing blood. There is never a sensation of what senses sensations, just as there is no meaning or possibility in the notion of smelling one's nose or kissing one's own lips."

"As soon as it becomes clear that "I" cannot possibly escape from the reality of the present, since "I" is nothing other than what I know now, this inner turmoil must stop. No possibility remains but to be aware of pain, fear, boredom, or grief in the same complete way that one is aware of pleasure. The human organism has the most wonderful powers of adaptation to both physical and psychological pain. But these can only come into full play when the pain is not being constantly restimulated by this inner effort to get away from it, to separate the "I" from the feeling. The effort creates a state of tension in which the pain thrives. But when the tension ceases, mind and body begin to absorb the pain""So long as there is the motive to become something, so long as the mind believes in the possibility of escape from what it is at this moment, there can be no freedom. Virtue will be pursued for exactly the same reason as vice, and good and evil will alternate as the opposite poles of a single circle."
"On the other hand, when I do not try to get away I discover that there is nothing "stuck" or fixed about the reality of the moment. When I am aware of this feeling without naming it, without calling it "fear," "bad," "negative," etc., it changes instantly into something else, and life moves freely ahead.Love is the organizing and unifying principle which makes the world a universe and the disintegrated mass a community. It is the very essence and character of mind, and becomes manifest in action when the mind is whole."

"The timid mind shuts this window with a bang, and is silent and thoughtless about what it does not know in order to chatter the more about what it thinks it knows. It fills up the uncharted spaces with mere repetition of what has already been explored. But the open mind knows that the most minutely explored territories have not really been known at all, but only marked and measured a thousand times over. And the fascinating mystery of what it is that we mark and measure must in the end "tease us out of thought" until the mind forgets to circle and to pursue its own processes, and becomes aware that to be at this moment is pure miracle."

to know somthing is always nurturing you

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." ~ Fred Rogers

I may have been a troubled teen, and to be honest I am in some ways, still troubled. however my "troubled years" may not have been so troubled after all. when I look back, from one point of view, that of a wide perspective, I can see myself as normal and happy. I know that deep withing me there was a sense that I was on the right track. I was simply being myself and I believed in myself, by myself.
however as I aged into my teen years I began to be aware of suffering. I suffered because I was not allowed to be honest and straightforward in simply being myself. I was taught that I should be different and forced to believe that my natural impulses were wrong.

I may not have had the collected knowledge of an adult. but as a child, before I became aware of suffering, I lived by the force of some untouchable secret. the creativity and freedom of perception that most children, if not all, are born with and which is of great value.

it is the weight of expectations, the installation of societies' fears into our childs' mind and heart which diminishes the inherent free human spirit. that which causes long lasting confusion, and in some cases inhibits a natural tenacity for living. maybe if I had been encouraged, more often than I was criticized I wouldn't now be so prone to suffer from my own conditioned self criticism, the habitual sense that I will fail or do something wrong. I suffer because of scars on my past, and from times of emotional trauma which hardened my mind and installed fear deep within my heart.

set me free. myself, set myself free. world and wide blue sky, take me as a cloud, and release me into space. when i forget who I am, who I once was, i may be able to bring my inner child to life and face the world with less fear and self doubt. I long to release my mind and face the emptiness that always supports and nurtures life.
this great home, the platform of all things, is perpetual becoming, a spring of creation. from emptiness. therefore, all life is equally created and supported by the truth. that is the support which I long to realize. the place where I wish to loose myself and let go of all this suffering and confusion.

more than ever

now, more than ever, i find this blog is valuable to me.
now, more than ever, i have doubt.
doubt in the near future and the choices i have to make.
doubt in myself for having ignored the daily need for nurturing a positive and calm mentality, and practicing the peaceful way.
there is also regret for thinking i can dwell in heightened pleasures of the modern world unwisely, without falling back down into depression.
now more than ever my life is busy, and challenging.
now more than ever i can understand that there is either the practice of peaceful living, or a life of overwhelming suffering.

even for me, a typical person living in an advanced society, who's life is full of conveniences and luxuries such as hot water, air conditioning, clean baths, clean water, clean food, public transport, electricity, libraries, education.
even with all of these things whichh support my life, I am suffering.
how ridiculous is it?
to be honest, it is embarrassing and a shame.

lack of right effort,
lack of confidence and proper care,
unwise decisions,
unwise behavior,
unsupportive friendships,
unsupportive mental states,
turning to small amounts of alcohol to sooth my nerves,
turning away from responsibility,

... all of these things i am responsible for. and i know because of these things, whatever small amount of peace and stillness of which I had a taste, no longer supports me.


i am impatient. i am depressed. and up until now i have not done much good in this world.
i am impatient with the heat and humidity, impatient with my daily aches and pains, impatient and sometimes angry for the lack of sleep which causes me anxiety and stress.

i am foolish for ignoring the good path set out for us by wise and compassionate people.
i shall summon my best effort and intention, as well as i can, to live a balanced life, from today.
it will be hard, i know.
but to fail without even trying is certainly shameful.
shameful for i have been given a life.
shameful because the world needs love and compassion.
if i can summon even a small amount of peace and well being and share some positive support to others then there is a life worth living.
where there is simplicity, there can be peace.
so i will try to keep my practice and effort simple and straightforward.

learning and practicing ChiKung

sometime last year I started to learn ChiKung. at first I had learnt some techniques from Akiko. she teaches ChiKung ("Kikou" as it is pronounced in Japan) a few times a week. the style is called Enbouzen. which is roughly translated as, round stick Zen . in her school, they use different sized bo's which symbolize levels of the practice. it helps to keep the hands together and level during certain exercises as well as having the benefits of having good ki (energy) properties of wood.
Enbouzen Exercises:
1. a central practice of enbouzen would be the "standing Zen" practice, where the student simply stands upright, knees slightly bent, tail-bone tucked in, shoulders and waist relaxed, while holding the bo out in front of the mid torso. Akiko tells me that they sometimes stand this way for one hour. (I am yet to practice at such lengths) the practice can also be modified by holding the bo directly above one's head, having the arms extended straight.
                                                      2. to help with tightness in my hips, middle back, and shoulders, it was recommended by Akiko's Sensei that I should practice holding the bo in both hands, making circles with the bo starting near my chest, extending the bo upward and outward away from my torso, circling down as the extension of my arms reaches mid way, circling down and back towards the torso and back up to finish the circle. this should be done again and again. another movement that is added to the exercise is bending and straightening my legs following the upward and downward movement of the circle I am making with the bo. the movement should be graceful, hips should be relaxed as much as possible, and the knees should not bend beyond the tip of the toes.
                                                      3. to help release tightness in my shoulders and neck, Akiko taught me another exercise. making ovals with the bo above my head. the oval is long and no wider than the width of my head. extending the arms up as far as possible straight above my head, and back down, over and over, continuously. Akiko has told me they sometimes make at least 300 repetitive ovals daily. I can manage to do around thirty before my arms become weak.
these are the main exercises I have learnt from Akiko so far. I have also supplemented these exercises with a flexibility training which I learnt from a teacher called Binkun Hu. I bought his dvd which is called "Creating Flexibility Through QiGong." the exercises have been very helpful. since starting to practice kikou, I am now starting to feel more movement in my body as i practice. certain muscles are slightly softer than they were before. I hope to learn more from Akiko and her Sensei, and deepen the relaxation and flexibility which can result from the practice.