wine's warmth

Autumn's comfort is cold,

Street light, room light, moon light.

The wine is warm.

a silly tipsy rant

Smartest thing I ever did was, leave America after living there for 8 years, those eight years were the worst years in my life... From one point of view. I did however gain something from the experience. That is insight, motivation, and a view of a modern world and the propensity of a modern society to influence a loss of humanity.
While silly little human beings, including myself, fuss and fight over trivial points of view, mass perversion and deception rules supreme.

One day, the mountaintops may be the last place on earth where one can be truly human. To be a human being, amongst other beings. Feeling the cool fresh air, steeping the soul in silence, and sense with unintelligible recollection where we come from. Unburdened by the deception of selfish greed and power. Where one might observe silence, beauty, and majestic power of the natural world.

One way I judge my own well being, is by how comfortable I am while sitting in silence. The more restless I am in a silent state, I should know I have become less of a natural human being, less capable of being free and self sustaining.

I do not look forward to the peak of civilization, I look up to the peak of a mountain where clouds silently gather, and the night sky gathers the star light and reaches forever far. Reminding me of how vast and free this existence is. At any time, nature is right here, inside and out, supporting and giving us life. On that vast and empty platform we dance and bounce around, as silly little selfish animals, but yet in the infinitely wide view of creation, we are as natural and harmless as a butterfly. Alone, one can be nurtured by this life and find ones strength. And even while the ever burning haze of our cities wash away the night sky. The silent universe, the quaint country is still the place where we can truly find peace and the support of our mother earth.

There is relief in believing that when it all comes to an end for me, that there will be nothing wrong in this universe. Only to be human, in this time, doing one's best at discerning what is thought to be right and wrong, is what produces anything "wrong".
Once released, the human mind takes rest in the cycles of birth and decay, not holding on to or possessing one single thing. Life, existence, has it's balance, and is beyond our petty judgements.

That what is natural and right is other than our human mind, but is after all, what has been given to us is this mind and the capacity to observe. Everything is at once the observer and the observed, there is actually no separation. That which has produced and will eventually reclaim our brief human form is silent and greater than us, and yet is us. Just as is the wind, the grass, and space between worlds. To that great nothing, we should pay homage and by observing our selfishness, try to be less selfish.

to know somthing is always nurturing you

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." ~ Fred Rogers

I may have been a troubled teen, and to be honest I am in some ways, still troubled. however my "troubled years" may not have been so troubled after all. when I look back, from one point of view, that of a wide perspective, I can see myself as normal and happy. I know that deep withing me there was a sense that I was on the right track. I was simply being myself and I believed in myself, by myself.
however as I aged into my teen years I began to be aware of suffering. I suffered because I was not allowed to be honest and straightforward in simply being myself. I was taught that I should be different and forced to believe that my natural impulses were wrong.

I may not have had the collected knowledge of an adult. but as a child, before I became aware of suffering, I lived by the force of some untouchable secret. the creativity and freedom of perception that most children, if not all, are born with and which is of great value.

it is the weight of expectations, the installation of societies' fears into our childs' mind and heart which diminishes the inherent free human spirit. that which causes long lasting confusion, and in some cases inhibits a natural tenacity for living. maybe if I had been encouraged, more often than I was criticized I wouldn't now be so prone to suffer from my own conditioned self criticism, the habitual sense that I will fail or do something wrong. I suffer because of scars on my past, and from times of emotional trauma which hardened my mind and installed fear deep within my heart.

set me free. myself, set myself free. world and wide blue sky, take me as a cloud, and release me into space. when i forget who I am, who I once was, i may be able to bring my inner child to life and face the world with less fear and self doubt. I long to release my mind and face the emptiness that always supports and nurtures life.
this great home, the platform of all things, is perpetual becoming, a spring of creation. from emptiness. therefore, all life is equally created and supported by the truth. that is the support which I long to realize. the place where I wish to loose myself and let go of all this suffering and confusion.

more than ever

now, more than ever, i find this blog is valuable to me.
now, more than ever, i have doubt.
doubt in the near future and the choices i have to make.
doubt in myself for having ignored the daily need for nurturing a positive and calm mentality, and practicing the peaceful way.
there is also regret for thinking i can dwell in heightened pleasures of the modern world unwisely, without falling back down into depression.
now more than ever my life is busy, and challenging.
now more than ever i can understand that there is either the practice of peaceful living, or a life of overwhelming suffering.

even for me, a typical person living in an advanced society, who's life is full of conveniences and luxuries such as hot water, air conditioning, clean baths, clean water, clean food, public transport, electricity, libraries, education.
even with all of these things whichh support my life, I am suffering.
how ridiculous is it?
to be honest, it is embarrassing and a shame.

lack of right effort,
lack of confidence and proper care,
unwise decisions,
unwise behavior,
unsupportive friendships,
unsupportive mental states,
turning to small amounts of alcohol to sooth my nerves,
turning away from responsibility,

... all of these things i am responsible for. and i know because of these things, whatever small amount of peace and stillness of which I had a taste, no longer supports me.


i am impatient. i am depressed. and up until now i have not done much good in this world.
i am impatient with the heat and humidity, impatient with my daily aches and pains, impatient and sometimes angry for the lack of sleep which causes me anxiety and stress.

i am foolish for ignoring the good path set out for us by wise and compassionate people.
i shall summon my best effort and intention, as well as i can, to live a balanced life, from today.
it will be hard, i know.
but to fail without even trying is certainly shameful.
shameful for i have been given a life.
shameful because the world needs love and compassion.
if i can summon even a small amount of peace and well being and share some positive support to others then there is a life worth living.
where there is simplicity, there can be peace.
so i will try to keep my practice and effort simple and straightforward.

during spring, somewhere.

a hot spring day,

suddenly a cold breeze tickles my skin,

in that instant,

a fond recollection of autumn.

of comfort.
walking, standing
still, I can't say when or where.

okayu, ShoujinRyoori.

in Japan, monks of the soto school that live a monastic life eat a carefully prepared cuisine known as ShoujinRyoori (literally: devotion cuisine). okayu, rice soup, a staple of ShoujinRyoori, is comprised of water, rice, a small amount of salt, and sometimes a very small amount of soft cooked vegetable. okayu is more than just a vegetarian dish to be eaten as one would normally eat. this food is for the mind and body, intended for the emptying of ourselves, and the strengthening of practice in living a life of zazen, constantly settling, reverting to our true essence. this dish was revered  and taught by Dogen Zenji. a fundamental treasure for those practicing the way. he saw that the focused, careful and reverent preparation and consumption of food is vital to not only zen practice and to realising our true existence, but to living a human life. for that is what we are originally.  enlightened and capable of living a highly refined existence. in awareness of who and what we are.

Dogen encouraged his students to practice constantly emptying themselves and settle their minds. to let go of the conditioning towards selfishness. to practice zazen in each moment, in refined reverent activity. Dogen saw that what we are is in communion with all that is and all that exists inside and out. that all phenomena is our life, we are all things and all things support our lives. so when we cook, eat, chop wood, go to the toilet, we are experiencing this life, we are constantly interacting with and receiving support from this world. we actively create and experience our world through the senses. our detachment and our innate relationship with all things two sides of the one existence. we only have to take care of what is, right now, constantly settling our minds, and learn how to stay on that path no matter what distracts us along the way. from this understanding, Dogen saw that there is an appropriate manner for conducting ourselves in order to realise our innate empty nature. how and what we cook, and eat, was to Dogen the basis of zazen.

i had eaten okayu now and then before i moved to Japan, for around one year. i normally added some miso paste and organic dashi stock for taste and for nutritional value. since the turn of the new year, for the purpose of integrating this enabling food into my day to day life i have been eating okayu each morning.
Aco and i have been eating okayu for breakfast daily for the past two or so weeks. we occasionally change the accompanying ingredient. some days we might add umeboshi (salted plums), another day negi (spring onion), goji berries, or natto, or a spoonful of miso. i have never felt more internal balance in my recollected memory. i am no longer overwhelmed by heat in my body. there is a feeling of awareness and energy noticeably lower in my body then normal. i am now able soak in a hot bath without becoming restless from a feeling of being stifled by the heat.
normally, before this year, i was aware of an excess of energy and sometimes heat around my shoulders, neck, and head. this is no doubt a result of many years of identifying my head as my centre, by not releasing tension when I held to much,  and by eating foods that produce high amounts of heat in my body and cause too much excess. now that i have had a small amount of years trying to keep my awareness in lower regions and recently adapting my diet to be more balanced and suitable to my condition, i am finally feeling a small amount of relief, and a shift in energy.

this year i have been recording my body temperature and weight. my daily temperature is lower, now being around a normal 36°C. my weight, 73.6 kilograms. just over two weeks ago i was 78.2 kilos. there is no doubt that the backup of undigested food has been washed away by daily black tea and okayu.

today we are fasting. only drinking small fruit and soy milk smoothies for breakfast lunch and dinner, and filling the emptiness with hot kokuzoucha, and dandelion tea. we prepared for this day, by reducing the size of our meals yesterday. i feel good, besides being very hungry. i feel light, focused, and calm. the feeling of spaciousness in my stomach and intestine is reflected by my mind. we will have a thick okayu for dinner as we start to end our semi-fast. tomorrow we will have a thin okayu for breakfast as well before returning to eating solid foods.

by fasting we can become more attuned to our body's and instinct by not overeating, by allowing our bodies to become hungry. fasting, and eating okayu, is like zazen, we empty our bodies, and as a result we can be more aware of what is. this is the way we would live, if our lives were not overwhelmed by the unnatural convenience of modern lives. we would be forced to survive with less food, and by our instinct and effort we would have to rely. this is what Dogen Zenji wished for us, to be free, to realise our natural mind and place in this world. by repeated practice and observation. constantly settling and calming our mind.