excerpts from a journal, Tokyo Japan, August 2012.

"FIrst entry. Studying in Japan, and the challenges of living now, in Tokyo Japan.

This month, and year has been challenging. As the time passes, my doubts, obstacles and challenges increase. Living in one of the most crowded cities in the world is certainly tiring at times.

I've been practicing a form of QiGong: EnBouZen Kikou, under the guidance of a brilliant and affectionate teacher. I see him once a month and have some short moments, each month or so, to seek his advice and have him check my technique. Since he is also a practitioner of traditional medicine he helps me with some remedies for unblocking certain channels, for my overall wellbeing.

Since I am prone to hold tension in my body, despite my efforts, the tension continues to reside and at times increases so much so that I find it hard to function normally, peacefully.

Regretfully, my mood is sometimes affected by the tension and stress that is held. Also, in Japan now, it is very hot and extremely humid. At times I feel I am at my wits end. I try to be kind, to ignore the pains, the frustration, the stress, the oppressive humidity and heat...

. . .

I should always try to set my mind at zero. This is the way. Whatever I do should be motivated by that intention. To arrive and depart, and not stay too long away from emptiness, from zero."

End of Entry

I'd like to include a quote from Alan Watts' "The Wisdom of Insecurity", which quite accurately describes that which I lack the ability to describe presently.

Quote:  "the "self" of which we are conscious is always some particular feeling or sensation--of muscular tensions, of warmth or cold, of pain or irritation, of breath or of pulsing blood. There is never a sensation of what senses sensations, just as there is no meaning or possibility in the notion of smelling one's nose or kissing one's own lips."

"As soon as it becomes clear that "I" cannot possibly escape from the reality of the present, since "I" is nothing other than what I know now, this inner turmoil must stop. No possibility remains but to be aware of pain, fear, boredom, or grief in the same complete way that one is aware of pleasure. The human organism has the most wonderful powers of adaptation to both physical and psychological pain. But these can only come into full play when the pain is not being constantly restimulated by this inner effort to get away from it, to separate the "I" from the feeling. The effort creates a state of tension in which the pain thrives. But when the tension ceases, mind and body begin to absorb the pain""So long as there is the motive to become something, so long as the mind believes in the possibility of escape from what it is at this moment, there can be no freedom. Virtue will be pursued for exactly the same reason as vice, and good and evil will alternate as the opposite poles of a single circle."
"On the other hand, when I do not try to get away I discover that there is nothing "stuck" or fixed about the reality of the moment. When I am aware of this feeling without naming it, without calling it "fear," "bad," "negative," etc., it changes instantly into something else, and life moves freely ahead.Love is the organizing and unifying principle which makes the world a universe and the disintegrated mass a community. It is the very essence and character of mind, and becomes manifest in action when the mind is whole."

"The timid mind shuts this window with a bang, and is silent and thoughtless about what it does not know in order to chatter the more about what it thinks it knows. It fills up the uncharted spaces with mere repetition of what has already been explored. But the open mind knows that the most minutely explored territories have not really been known at all, but only marked and measured a thousand times over. And the fascinating mystery of what it is that we mark and measure must in the end "tease us out of thought" until the mind forgets to circle and to pursue its own processes, and becomes aware that to be at this moment is pure miracle."

a call to our lostgrandparents

it has been 6 weeks since I started working at Le Crouton (French Artisan) Bakery in Cairns. learning the Artisan trade of Bread Baking was and still is a dream of mine. although I am now seeking other employment, taking up employment at Le Crouton I took part in that dream, but as all dreams must end, no harm in their ending. with every venture, I gain perspective.

it just so happens that as I age, and perspective and sense evolves, I become increasingly recluse. so much so that I have a sense that I may be facing many more years alone in a way. to start a business, alone, to make my way according to my own will and vision, and not to follow what that which does not touch my heart. I wish not to learn skills to be recognised as skilful, but instead to make a life complete. by sharing what I love and enjoy, the craft of my hand and heart as a median by which to make a living by my own labor.

what is my passion, my love and interest?
I wish not to employ the word "passion" to describe my hearts yearning and my creative ambitions. As the word is often used especially in popular culinary culture, of which I am part of by trade. I am sure the word has become shop worn and bewitched and belittled by cliche. in this culture of confused ambition it implies that one must be be very noticeably vocal and stand out as being “passionate.” as if passion has to be coupled with publicity. what about the quiet ambitious?
by heart find a driving force, and by action just do.

for this reason, with discretion, I shall say, in place of passion, instead, perhaps, there is vision, sense.
there are images born of sense and dreams that I connect with and relate to my survival and peace, of a future that may come to be

one image is that of cold, majestic, far removed mountains, rock and sky, standing in thunderous silence unmoved by and uncaring for the world of men. a bestower of dreams and power.

another image is Enlgand, not the modern Empire, but the England of history, the England of poetry and magic. I long to return to England, and set foot on the cold misty planes of the English country side under granite hills and moss covered trees.

I do not want to be hot needlessly in this life. wherever I settle, may I be cool for most of the year and feel the condensing chill of winters frost. winter personifies retreat and contemplation, creativity is stewed and pain reckoned with. the ego struggles under the lowering skies of winter. this bring me to another image. Fire, Brick, Wood, Soil, Grass. also of bread baked by the Hearth, wood and brick.
soups, stocks, yeast and Ale. 

Our Grandmothers, and Grandfathers lost by time, resurrected.