to know somthing is always nurturing you

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." ~ Fred Rogers

I may have been a troubled teen, and to be honest I am in some ways, still troubled. however my "troubled years" may not have been so troubled after all. when I look back, from one point of view, that of a wide perspective, I can see myself as normal and happy. I know that deep withing me there was a sense that I was on the right track. I was simply being myself and I believed in myself, by myself.
however as I aged into my teen years I began to be aware of suffering. I suffered because I was not allowed to be honest and straightforward in simply being myself. I was taught that I should be different and forced to believe that my natural impulses were wrong.

I may not have had the collected knowledge of an adult. but as a child, before I became aware of suffering, I lived by the force of some untouchable secret. the creativity and freedom of perception that most children, if not all, are born with and which is of great value.

it is the weight of expectations, the installation of societies' fears into our childs' mind and heart which diminishes the inherent free human spirit. that which causes long lasting confusion, and in some cases inhibits a natural tenacity for living. maybe if I had been encouraged, more often than I was criticized I wouldn't now be so prone to suffer from my own conditioned self criticism, the habitual sense that I will fail or do something wrong. I suffer because of scars on my past, and from times of emotional trauma which hardened my mind and installed fear deep within my heart.

set me free. myself, set myself free. world and wide blue sky, take me as a cloud, and release me into space. when i forget who I am, who I once was, i may be able to bring my inner child to life and face the world with less fear and self doubt. I long to release my mind and face the emptiness that always supports and nurtures life.
this great home, the platform of all things, is perpetual becoming, a spring of creation. from emptiness. therefore, all life is equally created and supported by the truth. that is the support which I long to realize. the place where I wish to loose myself and let go of all this suffering and confusion.

more than ever

now, more than ever, i find this blog is valuable to me.
now, more than ever, i have doubt.
doubt in the near future and the choices i have to make.
doubt in myself for having ignored the daily need for nurturing a positive and calm mentality, and practicing the peaceful way.
there is also regret for thinking i can dwell in heightened pleasures of the modern world unwisely, without falling back down into depression.
now more than ever my life is busy, and challenging.
now more than ever i can understand that there is either the practice of peaceful living, or a life of overwhelming suffering.

even for me, a typical person living in an advanced society, who's life is full of conveniences and luxuries such as hot water, air conditioning, clean baths, clean water, clean food, public transport, electricity, libraries, education.
even with all of these things whichh support my life, I am suffering.
how ridiculous is it?
to be honest, it is embarrassing and a shame.

lack of right effort,
lack of confidence and proper care,
unwise decisions,
unwise behavior,
unsupportive friendships,
unsupportive mental states,
turning to small amounts of alcohol to sooth my nerves,
turning away from responsibility,

... all of these things i am responsible for. and i know because of these things, whatever small amount of peace and stillness of which I had a taste, no longer supports me.


i am impatient. i am depressed. and up until now i have not done much good in this world.
i am impatient with the heat and humidity, impatient with my daily aches and pains, impatient and sometimes angry for the lack of sleep which causes me anxiety and stress.

i am foolish for ignoring the good path set out for us by wise and compassionate people.
i shall summon my best effort and intention, as well as i can, to live a balanced life, from today.
it will be hard, i know.
but to fail without even trying is certainly shameful.
shameful for i have been given a life.
shameful because the world needs love and compassion.
if i can summon even a small amount of peace and well being and share some positive support to others then there is a life worth living.
where there is simplicity, there can be peace.
so i will try to keep my practice and effort simple and straightforward.