excerpts from a journal, Tokyo Japan, August 2012.

"FIrst entry. Studying in Japan, and the challenges of living now, in Tokyo Japan.

This month, and year has been challenging. As the time passes, my doubts, obstacles and challenges increase. Living in one of the most crowded cities in the world is certainly tiring at times.

I've been practicing a form of QiGong: EnBouZen Kikou, under the guidance of a brilliant and affectionate teacher. I see him once a month and have some short moments, each month or so, to seek his advice and have him check my technique. Since he is also a practitioner of traditional medicine he helps me with some remedies for unblocking certain channels, for my overall wellbeing.

Since I am prone to hold tension in my body, despite my efforts, the tension continues to reside and at times increases so much so that I find it hard to function normally, peacefully.

Regretfully, my mood is sometimes affected by the tension and stress that is held. Also, in Japan now, it is very hot and extremely humid. At times I feel I am at my wits end. I try to be kind, to ignore the pains, the frustration, the stress, the oppressive humidity and heat...

. . .

I should always try to set my mind at zero. This is the way. Whatever I do should be motivated by that intention. To arrive and depart, and not stay too long away from emptiness, from zero."

End of Entry

I'd like to include a quote from Alan Watts' "The Wisdom of Insecurity", which quite accurately describes that which I lack the ability to describe presently.

Quote:  "the "self" of which we are conscious is always some particular feeling or sensation--of muscular tensions, of warmth or cold, of pain or irritation, of breath or of pulsing blood. There is never a sensation of what senses sensations, just as there is no meaning or possibility in the notion of smelling one's nose or kissing one's own lips."

"As soon as it becomes clear that "I" cannot possibly escape from the reality of the present, since "I" is nothing other than what I know now, this inner turmoil must stop. No possibility remains but to be aware of pain, fear, boredom, or grief in the same complete way that one is aware of pleasure. The human organism has the most wonderful powers of adaptation to both physical and psychological pain. But these can only come into full play when the pain is not being constantly restimulated by this inner effort to get away from it, to separate the "I" from the feeling. The effort creates a state of tension in which the pain thrives. But when the tension ceases, mind and body begin to absorb the pain""So long as there is the motive to become something, so long as the mind believes in the possibility of escape from what it is at this moment, there can be no freedom. Virtue will be pursued for exactly the same reason as vice, and good and evil will alternate as the opposite poles of a single circle."
"On the other hand, when I do not try to get away I discover that there is nothing "stuck" or fixed about the reality of the moment. When I am aware of this feeling without naming it, without calling it "fear," "bad," "negative," etc., it changes instantly into something else, and life moves freely ahead.Love is the organizing and unifying principle which makes the world a universe and the disintegrated mass a community. It is the very essence and character of mind, and becomes manifest in action when the mind is whole."

"The timid mind shuts this window with a bang, and is silent and thoughtless about what it does not know in order to chatter the more about what it thinks it knows. It fills up the uncharted spaces with mere repetition of what has already been explored. But the open mind knows that the most minutely explored territories have not really been known at all, but only marked and measured a thousand times over. And the fascinating mystery of what it is that we mark and measure must in the end "tease us out of thought" until the mind forgets to circle and to pursue its own processes, and becomes aware that to be at this moment is pure miracle."

a call to our lostgrandparents

it has been 6 weeks since I started working at Le Crouton (French Artisan) Bakery in Cairns. learning the Artisan trade of Bread Baking was and still is a dream of mine. although I am now seeking other employment, taking up employment at Le Crouton I took part in that dream, but as all dreams must end, no harm in their ending. with every venture, I gain perspective.

it just so happens that as I age, and perspective and sense evolves, I become increasingly recluse. so much so that I have a sense that I may be facing many more years alone in a way. to start a business, alone, to make my way according to my own will and vision, and not to follow what that which does not touch my heart. I wish not to learn skills to be recognised as skilful, but instead to make a life complete. by sharing what I love and enjoy, the craft of my hand and heart as a median by which to make a living by my own labor.

what is my passion, my love and interest?
I wish not to employ the word "passion" to describe my hearts yearning and my creative ambitions. As the word is often used especially in popular culinary culture, of which I am part of by trade. I am sure the word has become shop worn and bewitched and belittled by cliche. in this culture of confused ambition it implies that one must be be very noticeably vocal and stand out as being “passionate.” as if passion has to be coupled with publicity. what about the quiet ambitious?
by heart find a driving force, and by action just do.

for this reason, with discretion, I shall say, in place of passion, instead, perhaps, there is vision, sense.
there are images born of sense and dreams that I connect with and relate to my survival and peace, of a future that may come to be

one image is that of cold, majestic, far removed mountains, rock and sky, standing in thunderous silence unmoved by and uncaring for the world of men. a bestower of dreams and power.

another image is Enlgand, not the modern Empire, but the England of history, the England of poetry and magic. I long to return to England, and set foot on the cold misty planes of the English country side under granite hills and moss covered trees.

I do not want to be hot needlessly in this life. wherever I settle, may I be cool for most of the year and feel the condensing chill of winters frost. winter personifies retreat and contemplation, creativity is stewed and pain reckoned with. the ego struggles under the lowering skies of winter. this bring me to another image. Fire, Brick, Wood, Soil, Grass. also of bread baked by the Hearth, wood and brick.
soups, stocks, yeast and Ale. 

Our Grandmothers, and Grandfathers lost by time, resurrected.

wine's warmth

Autumn's comfort is cold,

Street light, room light, moon light.

The wine is warm.

a silly tipsy rant

Smartest thing I ever did was, leave America after living there for 8 years, those eight years were the worst years in my life... From one point of view. I did however gain something from the experience. That is insight, motivation, and a view of a modern world and the propensity of a modern society to influence a loss of humanity.
While silly little human beings, including myself, fuss and fight over trivial points of view, mass perversion and deception rules supreme.

One day, the mountaintops may be the last place on earth where one can be truly human. To be a human being, amongst other beings. Feeling the cool fresh air, steeping the soul in silence, and sense with unintelligible recollection where we come from. Unburdened by the deception of selfish greed and power. Where one might observe silence, beauty, and majestic power of the natural world.

One way I judge my own well being, is by how comfortable I am while sitting in silence. The more restless I am in a silent state, I should know I have become less of a natural human being, less capable of being free and self sustaining.

I do not look forward to the peak of civilization, I look up to the peak of a mountain where clouds silently gather, and the night sky gathers the star light and reaches forever far. Reminding me of how vast and free this existence is. At any time, nature is right here, inside and out, supporting and giving us life. On that vast and empty platform we dance and bounce around, as silly little selfish animals, but yet in the infinitely wide view of creation, we are as natural and harmless as a butterfly. Alone, one can be nurtured by this life and find ones strength. And even while the ever burning haze of our cities wash away the night sky. The silent universe, the quaint country is still the place where we can truly find peace and the support of our mother earth.

There is relief in believing that when it all comes to an end for me, that there will be nothing wrong in this universe. Only to be human, in this time, doing one's best at discerning what is thought to be right and wrong, is what produces anything "wrong".
Once released, the human mind takes rest in the cycles of birth and decay, not holding on to or possessing one single thing. Life, existence, has it's balance, and is beyond our petty judgements.

That what is natural and right is other than our human mind, but is after all, what has been given to us is this mind and the capacity to observe. Everything is at once the observer and the observed, there is actually no separation. That which has produced and will eventually reclaim our brief human form is silent and greater than us, and yet is us. Just as is the wind, the grass, and space between worlds. To that great nothing, we should pay homage and by observing our selfishness, try to be less selfish.

to know somthing is always nurturing you

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." ~ Fred Rogers

I may have been a troubled teen, and to be honest I am in some ways, still troubled. however my "troubled years" may not have been so troubled after all. when I look back, from one point of view, that of a wide perspective, I can see myself as normal and happy. I know that deep withing me there was a sense that I was on the right track. I was simply being myself and I believed in myself, by myself.
however as I aged into my teen years I began to be aware of suffering. I suffered because I was not allowed to be honest and straightforward in simply being myself. I was taught that I should be different and forced to believe that my natural impulses were wrong.

I may not have had the collected knowledge of an adult. but as a child, before I became aware of suffering, I lived by the force of some untouchable secret. the creativity and freedom of perception that most children, if not all, are born with and which is of great value.

it is the weight of expectations, the installation of societies' fears into our childs' mind and heart which diminishes the inherent free human spirit. that which causes long lasting confusion, and in some cases inhibits a natural tenacity for living. maybe if I had been encouraged, more often than I was criticized I wouldn't now be so prone to suffer from my own conditioned self criticism, the habitual sense that I will fail or do something wrong. I suffer because of scars on my past, and from times of emotional trauma which hardened my mind and installed fear deep within my heart.

set me free. myself, set myself free. world and wide blue sky, take me as a cloud, and release me into space. when i forget who I am, who I once was, i may be able to bring my inner child to life and face the world with less fear and self doubt. I long to release my mind and face the emptiness that always supports and nurtures life.
this great home, the platform of all things, is perpetual becoming, a spring of creation. from emptiness. therefore, all life is equally created and supported by the truth. that is the support which I long to realize. the place where I wish to loose myself and let go of all this suffering and confusion.

more than ever

now, more than ever, i find this blog is valuable to me.
now, more than ever, i have doubt.
doubt in the near future and the choices i have to make.
doubt in myself for having ignored the daily need for nurturing a positive and calm mentality, and practicing the peaceful way.
there is also regret for thinking i can dwell in heightened pleasures of the modern world unwisely, without falling back down into depression.
now more than ever my life is busy, and challenging.
now more than ever i can understand that there is either the practice of peaceful living, or a life of overwhelming suffering.

even for me, a typical person living in an advanced society, who's life is full of conveniences and luxuries such as hot water, air conditioning, clean baths, clean water, clean food, public transport, electricity, libraries, education.
even with all of these things whichh support my life, I am suffering.
how ridiculous is it?
to be honest, it is embarrassing and a shame.

lack of right effort,
lack of confidence and proper care,
unwise decisions,
unwise behavior,
unsupportive friendships,
unsupportive mental states,
turning to small amounts of alcohol to sooth my nerves,
turning away from responsibility,

... all of these things i am responsible for. and i know because of these things, whatever small amount of peace and stillness of which I had a taste, no longer supports me.


i am impatient. i am depressed. and up until now i have not done much good in this world.
i am impatient with the heat and humidity, impatient with my daily aches and pains, impatient and sometimes angry for the lack of sleep which causes me anxiety and stress.

i am foolish for ignoring the good path set out for us by wise and compassionate people.
i shall summon my best effort and intention, as well as i can, to live a balanced life, from today.
it will be hard, i know.
but to fail without even trying is certainly shameful.
shameful for i have been given a life.
shameful because the world needs love and compassion.
if i can summon even a small amount of peace and well being and share some positive support to others then there is a life worth living.
where there is simplicity, there can be peace.
so i will try to keep my practice and effort simple and straightforward.

during spring, somewhere.

a hot spring day,

suddenly a cold breeze tickles my skin,

in that instant,

a fond recollection of autumn.

of comfort.
walking, standing
still, I can't say when or where.

okayu, ShoujinRyoori.

in Japan, monks of the soto school that live a monastic life eat a carefully prepared cuisine known as ShoujinRyoori (literally: devotion cuisine). okayu, rice soup, a staple of ShoujinRyoori, is comprised of water, rice, a small amount of salt, and sometimes a very small amount of soft cooked vegetable. okayu is more than just a vegetarian dish to be eaten as one would normally eat. this food is for the mind and body, intended for the emptying of ourselves, and the strengthening of practice in living a life of zazen, constantly settling, reverting to our true essence. this dish was revered  and taught by Dogen Zenji. a fundamental treasure for those practicing the way. he saw that the focused, careful and reverent preparation and consumption of food is vital to not only zen practice and to realising our true existence, but to living a human life. for that is what we are originally.  enlightened and capable of living a highly refined existence. in awareness of who and what we are.

Dogen encouraged his students to practice constantly emptying themselves and settle their minds. to let go of the conditioning towards selfishness. to practice zazen in each moment, in refined reverent activity. Dogen saw that what we are is in communion with all that is and all that exists inside and out. that all phenomena is our life, we are all things and all things support our lives. so when we cook, eat, chop wood, go to the toilet, we are experiencing this life, we are constantly interacting with and receiving support from this world. we actively create and experience our world through the senses. our detachment and our innate relationship with all things two sides of the one existence. we only have to take care of what is, right now, constantly settling our minds, and learn how to stay on that path no matter what distracts us along the way. from this understanding, Dogen saw that there is an appropriate manner for conducting ourselves in order to realise our innate empty nature. how and what we cook, and eat, was to Dogen the basis of zazen.

i had eaten okayu now and then before i moved to Japan, for around one year. i normally added some miso paste and organic dashi stock for taste and for nutritional value. since the turn of the new year, for the purpose of integrating this enabling food into my day to day life i have been eating okayu each morning.
Aco and i have been eating okayu for breakfast daily for the past two or so weeks. we occasionally change the accompanying ingredient. some days we might add umeboshi (salted plums), another day negi (spring onion), goji berries, or natto, or a spoonful of miso. i have never felt more internal balance in my recollected memory. i am no longer overwhelmed by heat in my body. there is a feeling of awareness and energy noticeably lower in my body then normal. i am now able soak in a hot bath without becoming restless from a feeling of being stifled by the heat.
normally, before this year, i was aware of an excess of energy and sometimes heat around my shoulders, neck, and head. this is no doubt a result of many years of identifying my head as my centre, by not releasing tension when I held to much,  and by eating foods that produce high amounts of heat in my body and cause too much excess. now that i have had a small amount of years trying to keep my awareness in lower regions and recently adapting my diet to be more balanced and suitable to my condition, i am finally feeling a small amount of relief, and a shift in energy.

this year i have been recording my body temperature and weight. my daily temperature is lower, now being around a normal 36°C. my weight, 73.6 kilograms. just over two weeks ago i was 78.2 kilos. there is no doubt that the backup of undigested food has been washed away by daily black tea and okayu.

today we are fasting. only drinking small fruit and soy milk smoothies for breakfast lunch and dinner, and filling the emptiness with hot kokuzoucha, and dandelion tea. we prepared for this day, by reducing the size of our meals yesterday. i feel good, besides being very hungry. i feel light, focused, and calm. the feeling of spaciousness in my stomach and intestine is reflected by my mind. we will have a thick okayu for dinner as we start to end our semi-fast. tomorrow we will have a thin okayu for breakfast as well before returning to eating solid foods.

by fasting we can become more attuned to our body's and instinct by not overeating, by allowing our bodies to become hungry. fasting, and eating okayu, is like zazen, we empty our bodies, and as a result we can be more aware of what is. this is the way we would live, if our lives were not overwhelmed by the unnatural convenience of modern lives. we would be forced to survive with less food, and by our instinct and effort we would have to rely. this is what Dogen Zenji wished for us, to be free, to realise our natural mind and place in this world. by repeated practice and observation. constantly settling and calming our mind.

passive presence

"Too lazy to be ambitious,
I let the world take care of itself.
Ten days' worth of rice in my bag;
a bundle of twigs by the fireplace.
Why chatter about delusion and enlightenment?
Listening to the night rain on my roof,
I sit comfortably, with both legs stretched out." -Ryokan

daily activity

"Forms of action are very important in Zen practice, but not when used as a technique. If you use them as a technique, sooner or later you will become fed up with repeating the same forms day after day. In each form, walking, chanting, eating, gassho - you must find peace and harmony."
- Dainin Katagari, from"Returning to Silence"

day after day, we are compelled to take action, in order to live. our actions, and our state of mind, is the expression of our lives. each step we take, is our life, just as it is. to step with a full presence of mind, gently, calmly guiding our bodies through our actions, with a keen sense of what it is we are doing. we should let go of thinking "I am doing this wrong" or "I am doing". we should simple do what we must.

we may try to break ourselves out of our careless or inattentive states by sitting in zazen, or practicing yoga, or just stopping what we are doing and breathing deeply, whatever it may be, whatever we do to "come back to ourselves" we should not think "I am coming back, I should be attentive". we should just notice our inattentiveness and just keep going, or sit in zazen, but without thinking we are doing anything different.

our actions are already the actions of Buddha, we are always within the realm of Buddha Dharma. we are never disconnected from it. so if we are attentive or not, when we focus ourselves more attentively we should just be attentive. our attentiveness will operate and we will feel calm. we do not need to think we have started to meditate, or accomplished anything. just feel the attentiveness and continue as naturally as you can. again and again. we should not think, "i have achieved mindfulness." if we think this way, most likely our actions will become like techniques to "achieve" something. in our striving to achieve, day after day, we may become fed up with our daily practice.

we should find a way, to let our thoughts go as they go, and just be more attentive.
surely, if we strive less, and just practice and accept whatever state we are in, our mindfulness will become more smooth and seamless.

少年はその贈り物に目を輝かして喜んだ。The Boy was bright-eyed with delight at the present.

This morning I walked to the post office to pick up a parcel from Aco. The parcel contained number of very useful items such as, Black Tea, Body Lotion, Organic Dehydrated Dashi Stock, Special Red Miso Paste, Yuzu Kosho (spicy, sour, salty paste made from a citrus fruit "yuzu"), Special Shoyu (soy sauce), and a cute card :) Aco has a business, which provides various food, health care, and body products, made in Japan. I can say from experience that the products are very high quality and quite cheap. 

Day after Day I consider how fortunate I am to have Aco in my life. She inspires me to live well. I have changed, hopefully for the better, over the years. My mind and body feel healthier, stronger, than ever before. There are a few aspects of my life, things I have received or learned from others, or found accidently, for which I am grateful. These things have enriched my life, bringing me gradually back-to-life. This coming back-to-life feels something like an awareness, which leads to an acceptance, of what supports my life. I hope I can continue to find appreciation within for all the aspects of life, not only for the things which help me feel good and live well, but also the challenges that I face day to day should be embraced bravely, eventually.

ありがとうございますあこ。

Thank you so much Aco.

learning and practicing ChiKung

sometime last year I started to learn ChiKung. at first I had learnt some techniques from Akiko. she teaches ChiKung ("Kikou" as it is pronounced in Japan) a few times a week. the style is called Enbouzen. which is roughly translated as, round stick Zen . in her school, they use different sized bo's which symbolize levels of the practice. it helps to keep the hands together and level during certain exercises as well as having the benefits of having good ki (energy) properties of wood.
Enbouzen Exercises:
1. a central practice of enbouzen would be the "standing Zen" practice, where the student simply stands upright, knees slightly bent, tail-bone tucked in, shoulders and waist relaxed, while holding the bo out in front of the mid torso. Akiko tells me that they sometimes stand this way for one hour. (I am yet to practice at such lengths) the practice can also be modified by holding the bo directly above one's head, having the arms extended straight.
                                                      2. to help with tightness in my hips, middle back, and shoulders, it was recommended by Akiko's Sensei that I should practice holding the bo in both hands, making circles with the bo starting near my chest, extending the bo upward and outward away from my torso, circling down as the extension of my arms reaches mid way, circling down and back towards the torso and back up to finish the circle. this should be done again and again. another movement that is added to the exercise is bending and straightening my legs following the upward and downward movement of the circle I am making with the bo. the movement should be graceful, hips should be relaxed as much as possible, and the knees should not bend beyond the tip of the toes.
                                                      3. to help release tightness in my shoulders and neck, Akiko taught me another exercise. making ovals with the bo above my head. the oval is long and no wider than the width of my head. extending the arms up as far as possible straight above my head, and back down, over and over, continuously. Akiko has told me they sometimes make at least 300 repetitive ovals daily. I can manage to do around thirty before my arms become weak.
these are the main exercises I have learnt from Akiko so far. I have also supplemented these exercises with a flexibility training which I learnt from a teacher called Binkun Hu. I bought his dvd which is called "Creating Flexibility Through QiGong." the exercises have been very helpful. since starting to practice kikou, I am now starting to feel more movement in my body as i practice. certain muscles are slightly softer than they were before. I hope to learn more from Akiko and her Sensei, and deepen the relaxation and flexibility which can result from the practice.

baking cookies

there is  something I do quite a lot, at work, and that is baking desserts. the demand for cookies increases with each successful batch. from twelve, to twenty, to twenty five per day. I also bake a lot of cakes. when I have time, I take pictures to remember them. the repetition of each day, baking, using similar recipes, I start to understand how I can add ingredients, or modify the process, to get a slightly different result. so far, my favorites have been, oatmeal cookies, lemon cheesecake, sticky date pudding, and chocolate chip cookies. these always turn out well, and are popular with the workers.
although I enjoy baking, I find it is hard to make desserts without tasting them. as I am usually trying new recipes, I should taste them once they have been cooked. I should know how they taste, and whether or not I can be proud to serve them or not. this isn't such a bad thing. some of the baked sweets are quite tasty. the down side to this is the amount of sugar i consume daily, and how it affects my appetite and well-being.

sugar is extremely stimulating, causing my mind and senses to feel erratic and hyper. my appetite for vegetables and fresh food diminishes. also there is the developing habit of eating sweets out of convenience. they are prepared and ready to eat. and when I am tired from a days work, I am sooner to eat a cookie than I am to prepare a bowl of miso soup.

this time around, this work period, I have controlled how much of the sweets I am tasting. since I have baked them a number of times, I am familiar with the taste and the affect. so I can leave most of them for the others to eat.
ideally, I would rather be cooking healthy food for people. there are doubts and debates about what is helpful and healthy about food, and eating. some people claim that sweets are "good for us" because they help stimulate our mood and generally make us feel happy. personally I find the affect of sweets can be positive while influencing a positive mood, but at the same time can cause harm to us. we can easily form habits of eating too many sweets, and therefore risk developing diabetes, erratic moods, and obesity.
what I am most concerned with is the affect on moods, and the habit of mood that can result from a dependency on sweets. I have experienced the affect of habitual eating on my mood, as well as noticed it in others. for example, it is common for the craving for sweets to cause anxiety when we are without sweet foods. and for those who are prone to have emotional imbalances these cravings would no doubt make the ups and downs of emotional waves to be greater.
for now I do my best to eat well, and provide good healthy food, as well as the sweets which we all enjoy. I do not wish to push my beliefs on others. I realize I can only do the best I can to be healthy for myself. if another person wishes to eat certain foods which I would not eat I should not stand in their way. they will either be healthy or not be healthy. I can only be who I am, and hope that my intentions and my actions influence people to take care of themselves.
I do wish, that if I am still working as a chef in the future, that I can serve better foods. perhaps in my own cafe/restaurant, where I need not tell people to eat well. I would simply be providing a place for people to come and eat the foods which I feel would help them be well and feel good. being healthy can feel good too.

remote locations

this picture was taken from the top of Mount Kingsley, Arcadia Valley, Queensland, Australia. the white rectangle in the lower left corner is Lucas Camp 94, where I currently work as a chef. I cook for the mining crew, and the odd random others who stop by. 

it took Tom and I thirty minutes to climb to the top where we enjoyed the beautiful view, and cool clean air of the wide open country. 

walking at Meiji

"Entering The Gate,
Hardness wilts, spine reverts,
As trees walk at Meiji.
Leaving what is behind,
Not knowing how, step by step
Breathing moves my feet."


Yesterday, Saturday 5th June, I returned to Australia after one month in Japan.
without knowing where to start, I want to share some thoughts about this time. this last month has affected me deeply in many ways.
not only did I meet my dearest Akiko and have my heart brought back to life. I also found a place, which supports a peaceful manner of living, in which I can more appropriately express my heart and mind. where careful action and considerate relations are accepted as an integral part of a culture, allowing people to look after to themselves and others in a more heartfelt sense than I am used to.
the gratitude and respect I have for Akiko is deep. she has helped me bring forth aspects of myself which I had struggled to manifest on my own. by her acceptance and calm character, I felt understood, seen as I am, and appreciated. her kindness has healed my broken heart. I realized how much admiration, love, inspiration, respect, and attraction I can find, and have for another person. she is, what I admire in people.
it would be better suited for me to show my gratitude for her in other ways besides on this blog. as I sit now, publishing the above poem on this blog, I recall the time, the feeling of being in Japan and walking at Meiji Jingu, writing this poem, and feeling relief as I fell in love with a person and a place. 
to publish this poem here, without a few sentences to express my appreciation and respect for Akiko would be unjust. 有り難う御座います Thank you very much.

I wrote this poem, amongst the trees, on the precious ground at Meiji Jingu (Meiji Shrine), in Harajuku, Tokyo. Meiji is a place of worship and an expression of respect by the followers of Shinto, for the earth and for all people. in fact, Meiji is one of many Jinja Shinto, Shrines of Shinto, where the spirit of Kami is believed to dwell. Kami is the deity of Shinto, a figure of life-giving power. basically, Kami is explained as "whatever seems strikingly impressive, possessing the quality of excellence and virtue, and inspires a feeling of awe" is called "Kumi."
The tall old trees, covering the earth, the wide gravel paths, streams, ponds, the caretakers, and of course the shrine itself, do impress and arouse admiration. all-together, Meiji stands as a magnificent representative of our mother earth, surrounded by a huge, over-populated, and busy Tokyo.
in my opinion, the power and magnitude of Tokyo, kneels under the presence of Meiji. when I first entered the main gate and set foot on the ground at Meiji, with a rabbit (Akiko), I immediately found the air was cool and comforting, the usual tension of my body subsided, and I could feel  we were in a sacred place. before learning about Shinto, and came to terms with the order of Jinja, and the Shinto faith, I could feel there was something special about Meiji. I was in awe and impressed not only by the massive gates and the shine itself, but by the land, the trees, the streams. I learned recently that the streams that run through the grounds flow from a very old well. the water comes up, without the aid of a pump, naturally, from underground channels of rain water. which is impressive. 
Meiji Jingu alone, is more than enough reason for me to believe that I could actually enjoy living in Tokyo. while not being the first reason, I acknowledge how I was affected by simply being there, as I experienced affluent health and strengthening of spirit, in one month with Akiko, in Japan.

I wrote the poem at Meiji Jingu, as I visited Meiji for the second time, this time I was alone. I was inspired by Kumi and the immediate intimacy of nature as I walked alone.  With each step I found, the hold of my ego, the hardness of my character, dissolve. As I let go, allowing the air to fill my lungs, I knew, it was not me who was breathing, it was a function of the intimacy between this body and nature. Letting go, as I walked, my ego attempted to take control, as it usually does, but by the force of the good energy of the trees and soul of Meiji. I maintained the connection and was able to allow it to transform me for some time. I could observe the contrast between myself, my ego, and the natural order of a body given back to, and owned by nature. The tight confines of an ego and the open acceptance of the natural world. 
There were many people, also walking there. The old trees, the bodies in motion, the wind, everything moved with me, entered me, gave breath to me and I loved them. I saw, perhaps to a small degree, how my life depends on everything. My feet moved by the force of what was given to me, I felt each step, not remembering a single thing.
I wish I could have stayed there with Akiko in Japan. To dissolve, and teach my ego how it can exist peacefully, in communion with the world. 

quotes: "Breath by Breath" by Larry Rosenberg

"If we can learn to let the breath unfold naturally, without tampering with it, then in time we might be able to do that with other aspects of our experience: we might learn to let feelings be, let the mind be."

"The instruction is to let it be, to surrender to the breathing. We are learning even in this first instruction the art of surrender, which is central to our Dharma practice."


"When the Buddha is hot, he sweats; when cold, he shivers."
"Sometimes we have the mistaken idea that an enlightened being wouldn’t be subject to such conditions. The Buddha wouldn't notice heat or cold. Actually, almost the opposite is true. He would be aware of them to an extraordinary degree. He would feel all their subtle gradations. But he wouldn't make anything more out of them. They would just be what they are."


- Larry Rosenberg

morning gatha

wake up!
don't wait!
I feel the morning
supporting my becoming. (even though I ache)
I feel my breath
I bow to dear friends
I embrace my sorrow
and realize the way.
I remember to take care, sleep well, and start again.
one day my life will end.
as I sit, being myself, seeing myself, I let go.
how wonderful.

new mind, old mind

as I sit upright, belly open and relaxed, accepting each breath, each thought, sensation. my mind is refreshed in each moment of attention. as my body takes the form of acceptance, I begin to feel more alive, yet unlike myself. an old mind, it's decaying defenses, give way to something primordial. something beyond what I can see and feel is unearthed, and I so wish to keep digging.

as a relatively young meditator (young in experience, not in age) I find one of the biggest challenges in my practice, my life, is maintaining a freshness, a keen, energetic, and open mind while I am busy in the world of action. quite often I feel drowsy, lethargic, tense. this is most likely a defensive reaction to the world around me. I am a very shy person. I can sense that my reaction is my conditioning, a relic from my younger years.

as I sit on the train, I take an upright posture, and make a zendo.
the world outside distracts my eye, my mind, my body. I return to my breath again and again. at times, the firm, soft support of my spine gives way and bends slightly under the weight of my ego. I drift back and forth between unity and separation, new and old, judgement and acceptance, such are the tides of my mind.

open way zen, sangha

I just arrived home after my first visit and sitting with the Open Way Zen group in Kelvin Grove, Brisbane. the sitting and lecture was supervised by Peter Genjo Bruza (on the right, on the left is Master Hogen-san the founder of OWZ who I am yet to meet). it was the first time I have met with a sangha since the fall 2009 sesshin, with the Adelaide Zen Group. it was nice to listen to the lecture and to feel the collective intention to practice zazen, meditation.
 Peter gave a talk based around an excerpt from a poem by Rumi, a Sufi poet, giving his own commentary and advice not to translate the words in a literary sense but rather to understand it from our own direct experience. I was touched by the content and found I could relate to the commentary given.
 in short the essence of the teaching was, to have an open awareness that is direct. to be focused in an open, multi directional sense. not to focus too hard with great intentions of achieving a goal or an end and thereby closing of the senses to all that is.  to find a balance between an open awareness and direct experience. to be sharply attuned to all that is happening inside and out. Peter also touched on the idea of necessary illusion against the backdrop of perfect reality. the two are part of reality, yet, we go back and forth between the two. to have our senses closed is to not be in tune with what is, but yet it is necessary to experience this illusion in order to live in and be aware of perfect reality. also we can not only be open for we may fall out of balance with directness, with awareness. we cannot not be too focused because we will lose touch with perfect reality. we cannot keep our senses closed, nor can we be completely open all of the time. we need to find the point where the two meet and realize that the two are one, and the one is also two. and more importantly to just simply be aware of how we are constantly in flux between the two.

 I sit, on average, at least 5 times a week at home, and I practice yoga (my own version, for stiff old joints) at least once a day. it is good to practice alone to find your seat, the best way of sitting for your body type. i must say however, that there is nothing that can compare to sitting in zazen with a sangha before recieving the advice and teaching of an elder practitioner or teacher. often the lecture has one or more points which resound in and penetrate the heart. I cant help but feel a deep appreciation for my elders, for those more experienced and wiser than I am.

 I will go back to meet and sit with the Open Way Zen group.

no one to harm, emptiness in form

"if you can empty your boat, while crossing the river of the world, no one will oppose you and no one will seek to harm you." - Jack Kornfield.

in life, someone may seek to harm you, and many will oppose you.
the intention of the phrase, quoted above, is not to say that after reaching some state of liberation people will no longer oppose you, or seek to harm you. the reason for saying such a phrase is not to teach you something, but rather to ignite a vision from within, a realization. the author or speaker is fully aware that people will oppose and harm us, his point is not to deny this fact.

the central subject of this phrase is the ego, or self, I, me, you.
and the intended affect is to enable us to look within, to let go of unnecessary clinging to our ego, to the "I" to which we are attached. in recognizing that we have an ego, when we go further into analysis of our identity, we see our selves in relation to the world and other people. we see "who we think we are." if we are honest in our enquiry we can see that the "I" is a conglomerate of images, thoughts, wishes, impressions, craving, desire, etc... and even perhaps an emulation of an ideal self, who we want to become is included there as well. when we boil all these down we can say that generally the ego is not much more then a thought, an impression, an illusion, a memory, a wish.

what happens, when one realizes, that the self is only a thought?
well, we are given a choice, do we feed our thoughts more thoughts, or do we set out to find what and who we really are. What is beyond our thoughts. 

when we no longer hold onto thoughts, there can be no thought that can harm us. we may feel pain or become ill, but the less we associate with our thoughts, the less we will suffer in life.
how do I find myself?
what does it mean to let go?
what is true?
how mush do I cause my own suffering?
am I truly happy?
who am I?
...there starts the path. we develop our way-seeking mind.

...who am I?

 thinking is a natural process, since not long after after our birth we have been thinking, so it is only natural that we should think. we should not stop thinking, the point of a spiritual journey is not to stop thinking. we should utilize our thoughts, as part of our human senses. a thought may arise from within, just as a cloud may suddenly take form in the sky before our eyes. when we see the cloud we can not will it to take form, nor can we force it to disappear. clouds follow the cycle of creation and death according to nature.
it is the same with thoughts. when one watches the inner seasons, suddenly there may be a thought arising, we should not try to suppress it or alter it, neither should we be bothered by its arising. we should notice it, acknowledge what the thought is, and allow it to pass naturally. moment to moment we should try to let things happen and simply notice how things take place within.
that is how we learn to let go. just as the cloud takes form and disintegrates without leaving a mark on the clear sky. while the cloud is in view, the sky is still present behind the cloud. in meditation, our mind, our nature is like the sky, clear and limitless. we train ourselves to through meditation to acknowledge the clarity of mind beyond the forms of thought.
thoughts may came and go but we do not forsake our mind to become the thought, just as the sky does not become the cloud. the thought is part of you, and has a place within but we should not identify the thought as our self. just as we do not call the cloud the sky.

...how do I let go?

as an athlete conditions their body to move to their will through practice and repetition, so does a spiritual athlete condition their mind. what one does in meditation is align the mind and body as one whole being, by following the breath, safely and peacefully in silence. when we follow our breath we are acknowledging our universal nature, and we begin to calm our thinking mind and let go into the unknown. in the focused concentration of an athlete, a thought will disturb the precision of action. over time, the athlete learns to identify with their body and mind in stillness, in silence, and that is the source of their power.

many people through history have taught the path of liberation from suffering and non attachment to self. by practicing meditation or mindfulness we develop the ability to see the mental habits which cause us so much suffering and confusion. we become the guard of the temple (mind), and oversee who or what enters through the doors (senses). we may see that for years we have allowed many enemies to enter, and that the temple may already be overrun by foes who have been terrorizing the residents.

after years of training in meditation we develop the strength of integrity and reclaim ownership of the temple ground. enemies may enter, but they will not reside.

when we calm the mind and align our body and mind, allowing things to be just as they are, senses in harmony with sense objects, we are truly ourselves, we let go of our thoughts, and we are able to live beyond harm, beyond thought. there is no One to harm.