excerpts from a journal, Tokyo Japan, August 2012.

"FIrst entry. Studying in Japan, and the challenges of living now, in Tokyo Japan.

This month, and year has been challenging. As the time passes, my doubts, obstacles and challenges increase. Living in one of the most crowded cities in the world is certainly tiring at times.

I've been practicing a form of QiGong: EnBouZen Kikou, under the guidance of a brilliant and affectionate teacher. I see him once a month and have some short moments, each month or so, to seek his advice and have him check my technique. Since he is also a practitioner of traditional medicine he helps me with some remedies for unblocking certain channels, for my overall wellbeing.

Since I am prone to hold tension in my body, despite my efforts, the tension continues to reside and at times increases so much so that I find it hard to function normally, peacefully.

Regretfully, my mood is sometimes affected by the tension and stress that is held. Also, in Japan now, it is very hot and extremely humid. At times I feel I am at my wits end. I try to be kind, to ignore the pains, the frustration, the stress, the oppressive humidity and heat...

. . .

I should always try to set my mind at zero. This is the way. Whatever I do should be motivated by that intention. To arrive and depart, and not stay too long away from emptiness, from zero."

End of Entry

I'd like to include a quote from Alan Watts' "The Wisdom of Insecurity", which quite accurately describes that which I lack the ability to describe presently.

Quote:  "the "self" of which we are conscious is always some particular feeling or sensation--of muscular tensions, of warmth or cold, of pain or irritation, of breath or of pulsing blood. There is never a sensation of what senses sensations, just as there is no meaning or possibility in the notion of smelling one's nose or kissing one's own lips."

"As soon as it becomes clear that "I" cannot possibly escape from the reality of the present, since "I" is nothing other than what I know now, this inner turmoil must stop. No possibility remains but to be aware of pain, fear, boredom, or grief in the same complete way that one is aware of pleasure. The human organism has the most wonderful powers of adaptation to both physical and psychological pain. But these can only come into full play when the pain is not being constantly restimulated by this inner effort to get away from it, to separate the "I" from the feeling. The effort creates a state of tension in which the pain thrives. But when the tension ceases, mind and body begin to absorb the pain""So long as there is the motive to become something, so long as the mind believes in the possibility of escape from what it is at this moment, there can be no freedom. Virtue will be pursued for exactly the same reason as vice, and good and evil will alternate as the opposite poles of a single circle."
"On the other hand, when I do not try to get away I discover that there is nothing "stuck" or fixed about the reality of the moment. When I am aware of this feeling without naming it, without calling it "fear," "bad," "negative," etc., it changes instantly into something else, and life moves freely ahead.Love is the organizing and unifying principle which makes the world a universe and the disintegrated mass a community. It is the very essence and character of mind, and becomes manifest in action when the mind is whole."

"The timid mind shuts this window with a bang, and is silent and thoughtless about what it does not know in order to chatter the more about what it thinks it knows. It fills up the uncharted spaces with mere repetition of what has already been explored. But the open mind knows that the most minutely explored territories have not really been known at all, but only marked and measured a thousand times over. And the fascinating mystery of what it is that we mark and measure must in the end "tease us out of thought" until the mind forgets to circle and to pursue its own processes, and becomes aware that to be at this moment is pure miracle."

a call to our lostgrandparents

it has been 6 weeks since I started working at Le Crouton (French Artisan) Bakery in Cairns. learning the Artisan trade of Bread Baking was and still is a dream of mine. although I am now seeking other employment, taking up employment at Le Crouton I took part in that dream, but as all dreams must end, no harm in their ending. with every venture, I gain perspective.

it just so happens that as I age, and perspective and sense evolves, I become increasingly recluse. so much so that I have a sense that I may be facing many more years alone in a way. to start a business, alone, to make my way according to my own will and vision, and not to follow what that which does not touch my heart. I wish not to learn skills to be recognised as skilful, but instead to make a life complete. by sharing what I love and enjoy, the craft of my hand and heart as a median by which to make a living by my own labor.

what is my passion, my love and interest?
I wish not to employ the word "passion" to describe my hearts yearning and my creative ambitions. As the word is often used especially in popular culinary culture, of which I am part of by trade. I am sure the word has become shop worn and bewitched and belittled by cliche. in this culture of confused ambition it implies that one must be be very noticeably vocal and stand out as being “passionate.” as if passion has to be coupled with publicity. what about the quiet ambitious?
by heart find a driving force, and by action just do.

for this reason, with discretion, I shall say, in place of passion, instead, perhaps, there is vision, sense.
there are images born of sense and dreams that I connect with and relate to my survival and peace, of a future that may come to be

one image is that of cold, majestic, far removed mountains, rock and sky, standing in thunderous silence unmoved by and uncaring for the world of men. a bestower of dreams and power.

another image is Enlgand, not the modern Empire, but the England of history, the England of poetry and magic. I long to return to England, and set foot on the cold misty planes of the English country side under granite hills and moss covered trees.

I do not want to be hot needlessly in this life. wherever I settle, may I be cool for most of the year and feel the condensing chill of winters frost. winter personifies retreat and contemplation, creativity is stewed and pain reckoned with. the ego struggles under the lowering skies of winter. this bring me to another image. Fire, Brick, Wood, Soil, Grass. also of bread baked by the Hearth, wood and brick.
soups, stocks, yeast and Ale. 

Our Grandmothers, and Grandfathers lost by time, resurrected.

wine's warmth

Autumn's comfort is cold,

Street light, room light, moon light.

The wine is warm.

a silly tipsy rant

Smartest thing I ever did was, leave America after living there for 8 years, those eight years were the worst years in my life... From one point of view. I did however gain something from the experience. That is insight, motivation, and a view of a modern world and the propensity of a modern society to influence a loss of humanity.
While silly little human beings, including myself, fuss and fight over trivial points of view, mass perversion and deception rules supreme.

One day, the mountaintops may be the last place on earth where one can be truly human. To be a human being, amongst other beings. Feeling the cool fresh air, steeping the soul in silence, and sense with unintelligible recollection where we come from. Unburdened by the deception of selfish greed and power. Where one might observe silence, beauty, and majestic power of the natural world.

One way I judge my own well being, is by how comfortable I am while sitting in silence. The more restless I am in a silent state, I should know I have become less of a natural human being, less capable of being free and self sustaining.

I do not look forward to the peak of civilization, I look up to the peak of a mountain where clouds silently gather, and the night sky gathers the star light and reaches forever far. Reminding me of how vast and free this existence is. At any time, nature is right here, inside and out, supporting and giving us life. On that vast and empty platform we dance and bounce around, as silly little selfish animals, but yet in the infinitely wide view of creation, we are as natural and harmless as a butterfly. Alone, one can be nurtured by this life and find ones strength. And even while the ever burning haze of our cities wash away the night sky. The silent universe, the quaint country is still the place where we can truly find peace and the support of our mother earth.

There is relief in believing that when it all comes to an end for me, that there will be nothing wrong in this universe. Only to be human, in this time, doing one's best at discerning what is thought to be right and wrong, is what produces anything "wrong".
Once released, the human mind takes rest in the cycles of birth and decay, not holding on to or possessing one single thing. Life, existence, has it's balance, and is beyond our petty judgements.

That what is natural and right is other than our human mind, but is after all, what has been given to us is this mind and the capacity to observe. Everything is at once the observer and the observed, there is actually no separation. That which has produced and will eventually reclaim our brief human form is silent and greater than us, and yet is us. Just as is the wind, the grass, and space between worlds. To that great nothing, we should pay homage and by observing our selfishness, try to be less selfish.

to know somthing is always nurturing you

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." ~ Fred Rogers

I may have been a troubled teen, and to be honest I am in some ways, still troubled. however my "troubled years" may not have been so troubled after all. when I look back, from one point of view, that of a wide perspective, I can see myself as normal and happy. I know that deep withing me there was a sense that I was on the right track. I was simply being myself and I believed in myself, by myself.
however as I aged into my teen years I began to be aware of suffering. I suffered because I was not allowed to be honest and straightforward in simply being myself. I was taught that I should be different and forced to believe that my natural impulses were wrong.

I may not have had the collected knowledge of an adult. but as a child, before I became aware of suffering, I lived by the force of some untouchable secret. the creativity and freedom of perception that most children, if not all, are born with and which is of great value.

it is the weight of expectations, the installation of societies' fears into our childs' mind and heart which diminishes the inherent free human spirit. that which causes long lasting confusion, and in some cases inhibits a natural tenacity for living. maybe if I had been encouraged, more often than I was criticized I wouldn't now be so prone to suffer from my own conditioned self criticism, the habitual sense that I will fail or do something wrong. I suffer because of scars on my past, and from times of emotional trauma which hardened my mind and installed fear deep within my heart.

set me free. myself, set myself free. world and wide blue sky, take me as a cloud, and release me into space. when i forget who I am, who I once was, i may be able to bring my inner child to life and face the world with less fear and self doubt. I long to release my mind and face the emptiness that always supports and nurtures life.
this great home, the platform of all things, is perpetual becoming, a spring of creation. from emptiness. therefore, all life is equally created and supported by the truth. that is the support which I long to realize. the place where I wish to loose myself and let go of all this suffering and confusion.

more than ever

now, more than ever, i find this blog is valuable to me.
now, more than ever, i have doubt.
doubt in the near future and the choices i have to make.
doubt in myself for having ignored the daily need for nurturing a positive and calm mentality, and practicing the peaceful way.
there is also regret for thinking i can dwell in heightened pleasures of the modern world unwisely, without falling back down into depression.
now more than ever my life is busy, and challenging.
now more than ever i can understand that there is either the practice of peaceful living, or a life of overwhelming suffering.

even for me, a typical person living in an advanced society, who's life is full of conveniences and luxuries such as hot water, air conditioning, clean baths, clean water, clean food, public transport, electricity, libraries, education.
even with all of these things whichh support my life, I am suffering.
how ridiculous is it?
to be honest, it is embarrassing and a shame.

lack of right effort,
lack of confidence and proper care,
unwise decisions,
unwise behavior,
unsupportive friendships,
unsupportive mental states,
turning to small amounts of alcohol to sooth my nerves,
turning away from responsibility,

... all of these things i am responsible for. and i know because of these things, whatever small amount of peace and stillness of which I had a taste, no longer supports me.


i am impatient. i am depressed. and up until now i have not done much good in this world.
i am impatient with the heat and humidity, impatient with my daily aches and pains, impatient and sometimes angry for the lack of sleep which causes me anxiety and stress.

i am foolish for ignoring the good path set out for us by wise and compassionate people.
i shall summon my best effort and intention, as well as i can, to live a balanced life, from today.
it will be hard, i know.
but to fail without even trying is certainly shameful.
shameful for i have been given a life.
shameful because the world needs love and compassion.
if i can summon even a small amount of peace and well being and share some positive support to others then there is a life worth living.
where there is simplicity, there can be peace.
so i will try to keep my practice and effort simple and straightforward.

during spring, somewhere.

a hot spring day,

suddenly a cold breeze tickles my skin,

in that instant,

a fond recollection of autumn.

of comfort.
walking, standing
still, I can't say when or where.